Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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