I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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