she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
My pussy is not your playground.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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