dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
