why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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