I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
