You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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