I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
