I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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