the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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