i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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