Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
