I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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