I just threw up on my dentist
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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