The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
