forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
