you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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