today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
