I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
