apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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