i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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