i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
