Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
