Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
