he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
