I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
