see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
