I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
