A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
