i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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