sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
