If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Randomize
