Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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