I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I am naked and annoyed.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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