a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
