You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
