i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
