I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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