i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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