I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
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