I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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