I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
