you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
