Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
