I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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