I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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