I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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