i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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