I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
