I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
