why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
